Growing in Fear

All my young life was fear. Being raised a Jehovah's Witness, I was indoctrinated with fears at the Kingdom Hall. These were reinforced at home, being believed by my parents to be healthy dread of that which can harm us if we let it.

I was mortified of Satan and his demons. Often I had nightmares of invisible monsters tearing apart my family and myself while laughing horrifically. I'd dream of them in my house, rattling walls, opening the front door, and wailing at me. It did not stop with sleep, however. In waking life, I actually imagined I could feel their presence at times. Sometimes all it took was an advertisement for a horror movie or an urban legend told in hushed voices of demon-possessed toys, records, etc and I was aquiver with fright for days.

I was afraid of the world. "Worldly people" were all around us and in fact were everyone who didn't attend the Kingdom Hall. That's a helluva lot of people. They were all miserable people living in sin just waiting for an opportunity to bring me down with them. They were crafty, too, for they hid demonic pagan rituals in the guise of jolly holidays! I had to go to great lengths to make certain that all of my school mates knew that I was no part of such wicked celebrations.

I was afraid of God. Armageddon was always just around the corner and waaay up there was God watching from heaven who had his finger on those big red buttons labeled 'Life' and 'Death'. From heaven, God could see all. He knew when I swore at school or lied to my classmates. When I flirted with or "went with" a girl in my class, God saw and he wagged his disapproving finger at me. If I so much as had an erection, God was disgusted and ashamed of me. I actually believed it, though of course that's not official dogma (see Matthew 5:28 for my childish reasoning here). Masturbation, of course, was practially an unforgiveable sin. What's more, God had a tap in my head and could stream every image, word, and emotion live and uncensored. From what I heard three times a week at the Hall, I was certain that I offended him every day and so offended myself. I would die at Armageddon and I feared his great wrathful day.

Before I was even a teenager, I was frequently depressed. With my kind of behavior, I obviously wasn't going to live forever with my family on a paradise earth. They'd think back on me with sadness and say, "Too bad. Too bad." I began to despise myself for such small things and to apologize for everything. I felt a worthless waste of life and even prayed for death on countless occasions so that I wouldn't have to live to see that day of judgement which I feared so much. I fantasized about walking into traffic or taking a walk off of the roof of the school.

Somehow, though, I managed to keep trying despite the constant feelings of inadequacy and futility. I was baptized at age 14. I auxilliary pioneered during summer breaks. Perhaps it was all for show that I did these things. Fleeting comments of approval from family and friends assured that I would someday go to Bethel or perhaps even become a Circuit Overseer. I kept up the charade from my birth to 2002.

Over 20 years! TWENTY YEARS I dedicated to this lifestyle before I came to realize this one simple thing:

That this fear implanted from my earliest memory had ruined my life.